Locking Up Girl Child For 20 Years

This past weekend was the big Homecoming dance at the local high school. Having two kids in high school, it was of course bound to be a big night at our household.

Luckily, this year, Boy Child decided to just go with a group of friends, and didn't really have "a date." So that was EASY. However, Girl Child insisted on going to the dance with her douchebag boyfriend. (For the record, he is not really a douchebag and is really a great kid, but since he is dating my daughter I feel that I am obligated to dislike him.)

Since we are the coolest parents in the world, of course all of the kids and their friends insisted on coming to our house for the picture fest and pre-dinner activities. I might also add that this fact created quite a hissy fit with one particularly bitchy mom that really wanted them all to go to her house. Jealous much?

I am happy to say that my daughter did not look like a slut. I did my part in helping to select a dress that was minimal on cleavage and maximum on straps, however I fell short in the down to the ankles requirement. As a result, I spent about two weeks trying to convince her to wear a pair of sweatpants under the dress.

I spend most of my time around her boyfriend trying to defend her virginity. They really love it when I use the word "deflower" every other sentence. Or maybe they don't love it. I always forget which it is.

Anyway, after seeing her looking so grown up and with a little punks arm around her and hand on her waste, I have decided that she will be locked up and the key will be thrown away for at least the next 20 years. We can re-evaluate after that.

Damn kids! Stickman out!

A Poem For National Poetry Day

In honor of National Poetry Day, I have composed the following poem:

Oh, National Poetry Day

You are such a good time

You are the best day of the year

To only speak in rhyme

Some may think that poems are gay

But others like them fine

Many are so elegantly written

None of those are mine

There are many rhymes I like to say

Like nana nana boo boo

Or liar liar pants on fire

Really any childish taunt will do

National Poetry Day rocks

Only one thing is not quite right

I find it to be a shame indeed

That you share the day with World Sight

Poetry is a delicious fruit

Like a round, juicy orange

So I celebrate you with great joy

And nothing rhymes with orange

Everyone have a great National Poetry Day! Is there a Hallmark card for that? Hmmmm.

Stickman out!

Fall Can Bite Me!

The Fall Season has arrived with a bang. Actually its more like a blow. My goodness, is it not possible to talk about the seasons without innuendo?

What I am trying to say is that Fall has arrived in a serious way with a lot of wind and a lot of cold. Summer has disappeared like the fleeting fame of a reality TV star.

While I have a couple reasons for liking Fall, I mostly hate it. There are so many reasons to hate Fall. Especially if you live in the Midwest.

As I prepare to type the two things I like about fall, I realize that both reasons are pretty gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). The first is, of course, LAYERING. Nothing beats a jacket over a sweatshirt over a shirt over an undershirt. Am I right? The second thing that is sometimes appealing about fall is the cool colors on the trees.

At least those are the things that some gay people I know tell me is awesome about Fall. Now here are all the crappy things about it.

It is a lot of damn work. You have to winterize the pool. You have to winterize the spinklers. You have to winterize the house. You have to winterize the yard. You have to put all the outdoor crap away. Work work work work work.

Also, all the damn leaves falling all over everything is not appealing in the least bit. Especially when they all start dying and turning brown and ugly.

But the biggest thing that sucks about Fall is that Summer is over and Winter is coming. And oooooohhh do I HATE winter. Hate it with a passion. If I never saw snow again, I would be a happy man.

So Fall....Bite me! Stickman out!

Are Puppies Humor Suckers?

I swear that every since devil dog entered our home, I have been completely sucked dry of every ounce of funny that I may have ever had. It's true that the amount of humor I actually have has been debated widely, with responses ranging from "none at all ever" from Mrs. Stickman to "funniest frickin' bastard to ever live" from me.

I think the act of dog ownership (or puppy ownership, at least) is so physically and emotionally exhausting that there is just no energy left for funny generation. Sure the dog does funny, humorous things sometimes, but mostly it just barks and pisses. We keep telling ourselves it is going to get better, that we are just in the puppy training phase before the years of dog enjoyment. Yet, it just seems to get worse!

I have never in my life hated and loved something so much at the same time. And the worst part is, I knew this would happen. I knew that the dog would piss me off beyond belief and I would want to get rid of it (or kill it), and yet at the same time I would love it so much that I would not be able to bear the thought of it not being part of my life any more.

Damn dog.

So as I sit and remember a time when I had no dog but lots of funny, I am saddened. Yet I am joyful that the little fur-ball from hell has joined our home. Oh life, why must thou be full of enigmas?

Stickman out!